This list is for those days when every single joke you make is returned with an awkward cough. It’s for those days when you question the validity of your talent and your dreams. It’s for those days when the life hits you in the face harder than student loans, and you wind up laying in bed with a bag of Goldfish on your stomach, staring at your ceiling fan as an episode of Bones plays in the background. What episode are you on? Why are you watching it? Do you even like it? Misch isn’t crying. Misch is happy. Misch is safe. Misch should stop talking in third person. Alicia’s writing now, Misch needs a minute.
* Eat Nutella straight out of the jar. Don’t be ashamed. Everyone’s done it at some point.
* A Can-Do Attitude goes along way. Muster up your strength and positivity.
* Keep your head buried in a pillow, scream-crying. The world is hard and the only thing possible seems to be a Can-Don’t Attitude. Bite the pillow, if necessary. Beat it violently against a wall until it falls apart like your constantly-fleeting sanity. You know, whatever feels natural. Go with the flow.
* Allow yourself to experience the existential dread; let it sink in. Why are we here? What are we doing? Are we even alive? What is living? It’s healthy to ask questions.
* Take a deep breath. No, no. Stop hyperventilating. Deep breathes. Good, Alicia. Stop biting the pillow, Alicia. It’s been long enough.
* Call your fake significant other, aka. Direct TV Customer Service: You press 7, Robot Alex, I’m going through a really rough time right now. You never try in this relationship anymore!
* Make a blanket fort and spend your day watching pet rescue videos, crying because you can’t do it yourself. It’s okay, Alicia. We can’t all be the hero Gotham deserves.
* Forgo the blanket fort and just sleep under the table. Is the District having a meeting right now? Misch forgot, she’s sorry. She didn’t mean to make it weird.
* Feeling uncomfortable? Proceed to make guttural honking sounds of discomfort. Alicia founded: Patent pending.
* If everything is piling on top of each other, use SCAD Radio’s Web
Department as your very own therapy session. Don’t walk away from me, Henry! I know you didn’t ask for this! I know it’s not in your job description! But you’re going to hear it anyway, so buckle up![1] Your new position is Henry: station’s bearapist. No, it does not come with a raise. Just a wet spot of tears on your shoulder and an uncomfortable afternoon.
* For those who don’t have the aquiaintance with the lovely Henry: just wander aimlessly, in public, poorly trying to stifle tears and getting mad at passersby that ask if you’re okay. No I’m obviously not, but I want everyone to see my sadness and let me pass by like a heartbreaking mystery. Think about me in passing through the day, wondering if I turned out okay and what happened to me. Think about the misfortunes of the world and how we hear of them on the news and on shared articles in outrage, as if liking or sharing will make a difference. What were we talking about? Oh right: cry. Cry until you’re dry.
[1] No, but seriously. Henry, thank you for putting up with my problems. Misch thanks you. RIP Henry (he’s not dead, just not at the station anymore. Basically the same thing.)
