Here’s your horoscope for the week of Sunday May 23 – Saturday May 29. We can’t promise these will be accurate, but oh boy did we try.
Aries (March 21 –April 19)
Take a risk. Try some Yoplait.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If someone offers you money, just nod nod, say “yes,” then walk away.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Juicy Juice. 100% Juice.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
When’s the last time you called your grandmother? Call your grandmother.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Don’t do that. Yeah. That.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This week you will learn that fake fruit may look convincing, but doesn’t taste nearly as good as you think.
Libra (September 23 – November 21)
NOT THE BEES
Scorpio (November 22 – December 21)
Next time you think about buying a lifted truck, slap yourself in the face. Actually, this applies to everyone.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Hey now, you’re an all-star, get your game on, go play
Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show on, get paid
All that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars break the mold
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Cutting your own hair isn’t always the best idea, but sure, go for it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
*Elevator music*
