Are you the mom that doesn’t quite fit in? Does trying to keep up with the Jones’ bore you to tears? Stupid Jones’, no one cares about your gossip. Do all the kids want to hang out at your house, but you’re not quite sure why?

Chances are you’re the cool mom on the block! If this is the case, the cutesy decorations and glittery pumpkins probably aren’t your thing when it comes time to get ready for Halloween.

Not to worry: we’ve got some ideas just for you!

Chicken Wire Ghosts
 Make one of those kids of yours stand still for a minute and wrap some chicken wire around their torso and legs. Bend and shape the wire to their form and let them out – only if you’re feeling kind. Not only do you get an eerie human looking ghost to stick in your yard but when they’re being extra bratty after eating all that candy, you’ve got a kid sized straight jacket waiting to keep ‘em in place. Don’t mess with momma.

Pumpkins
 Sure, an un-carved pumpkin will last a lot longer but where’s the fun in that? Put some scary faces on those things! Give them teeth and angry eyes, or make them look so stupid all the kids shake their heads while trying to hold in their laughter.

If you really don’t want to carve a pumpkin, grab some google-y eyes and whatever else catches your attention and break out that glue gun!

Bonus points for being the mom who takes those healthy seeds out of the pumpkin and ruins them with brown sugar, butter and cinnamon before roasting. Being healthy is overrated.

Flamingos!
 Who doesn’t secretly want some of those little pink birds in their front yards? Weirdos, that’s who. With summer ending, Halloween is the perfect time to stock up on those babies while they’re hitting the clearance rack. Paint them black, wait until they’re fully dry (seriously, wait for them to dry) then paint on some little birdy skeletons. Dead birds for everyone!

Spiders
 Spiders are the worst and everyone knows it, so if your kids are being jerks this month buy up all the spider web you can get you hands on and cover the entire house in that junk. Toss those fake plastic spiders all over the web and watch your kids walk around in fear.

Bonus points for the moms that use this as a chance for free therapy. It’s more cathartic if you chuck ‘em, plus they stick better!

Bottle Monsters
 Arms tired from wielding that knife on pumpkins? Try the gentler activity of painting some faces on bottles. Frankenstein, ghosts, mummies: whatever your heart desires. The more bottles the better. Plus if you use wine bottles you have an excuse to drink as much as you feel necessary! The kids get candy, but moms deserve a treat too.

Aliens
 Miss Mulder terrorizing Scully with his Alien theories every three seconds? Me too. Don’t worry though, you can make your own aliens and torment your family with proof of your insane theories. Get some white balloons and break green glow sticks into them. (Don’t eat the liquid. Just trust me on that.) Once they’re inflated, draw on some alien faces and you’re done! The only thing left to do is to hop into your space ship and pick up those kids determined to be taken to your mother ship. Literally.

(ha, mom jokes)

The Big Scare
 And finally, the perfect way to finish off the night: If you really want to scare your family this year, dress up as a witch for Halloween and at the end of the night hand them your broomstick and let them know they’re cleaning everything up. They’ll avoid you for weeks and you’ll be free to watch whatever horror movies you want in peace.

Victory is sweet as the candy you steal from your children.