Dear Teddy,

I’m afraid of someone will plant drugs or razor blades inside my child’s candy. How can I make sure they stay safe?

-SCARED OF SWEETS

Hi SCARED OF SWEETS,

That’s a very serious thing to be worried about! First thing is to avoid candy that is already opened or looks to be tampered with. Be wary of candy that you haven’t seen before as well. Just to be safe, take all of their candy and eat it for them.

If none of these options work for you, pick the child you like the least and make them test it. Godspeed, little Billy.

✪

Dear Teddy,

My daughter is wearing a slutty Halloween costume but she’s only a child! Help me!

What do I do?

– CONCERNED MOTHER

Hi CONCERNED MOTHER,

We’ve all been there! My suggestion is to play the weather card – it’s the best trick in the book! If you tell them it’s cold out it gives you the opportunity to pile on all the scarves and coats you can find. That kid will be covered in no time!

But while she will be covered, you will be taking notes on that costume so you can make your own to show Papa Bear later. Happy Halloween indeed.

✪

Dear Teddy,

The other day a large creature emerged from the woods and viciously attacked me. The bite marks healed but now I turn into a terrible beast whenever there is a full moon. What is happening to me and what do I do?

– FURRY AND FRIGHTENED

Hi FURRY AND FRIGHTENED,

It seems to me you may have become a werewolf. Bummer! But there are things you can do to make your life a little easier.

To avoid the embarrassing walk back to your house in the morning without your clothes, try investing in some forgivable clothing such as spandex or yoga pants. Another good purchase would be some Gilette

shaving cream and razors: You may be a werewolf but you’re not a savage!

Lastly, this curse isn’t going away any time soon so accept it! Embrace the wolfy goodness inside of you, visit the local dog park and let your freak flag fly. Just try not to attack any of the village people while you’re there.

✪

Dear Teddy,

I live on a dead-end street and no kids come to trick or treat. How do I get them to my house?

– LONELY LADY

Hi LONELY LADY,

That’s certainly a dilemma! The method I’ve found most successful is to dress up and hide down the street so when they pass you can chase the children until they reach your house. I recommend you dress up as a clown, preferably with a weapon as an accessory: It works like a charm!

✪

Dear Teddy,

I don’t want to give out candy – it’s overdone! What can I give out instead that will be fun and memorable?

– ADVENTUROUS NEIGHBOR

Hi ADVENTUROUS NEIGHBOR,

You could give out soda or toys but those have all been done before! If you really want to make an impact a bowl with condoms, poke a hole in half of them and leave it out for people to collect. Trick or treat now has a whole new meaning.

✪

Dear Teddy,

I believe that children need healthy treats for Halloween, but whenever I give them out my house gets egged or TPed. How do I catch those meddling kids?

– FURIOUS PHARMACIST

Hi FURIOUS PHARMACIST,

The best method is to learn not to give such lame treats – you’re making yourself a target, buddy. Children want cavities. But if you insist on pushing your nutritious agenda, a sea of hidden land mines will keep those kids at bay. And possibly in pieces, but that’s their own fault for intruding on your land!