Growing up has its perks: personal independence, being taken seriously, being legally allowed to drink (eventually) and so on. But one of the biggest losses is no longer being able to trick-or-treat on Halloween without looking like a weirdo or a creeper. Now you can no longer get pounds of free candy after running around the neighborhood in a store-bought Spiderman costume or as a homemade mummy.
This is a problem that needs solving. How can one go trick or treating again as an adult without having the cops called?
Well let’s look at the facts: the big obstacle here is age, but we don’t yet have the technology to Benjamin Button ourselves back into 10-year-olds. So how do we get around this? What people fail to realize is that adults go trick-or-treating all the time— as parents.
This however brings up a brand new problem: most of us are NOT ready to have kids yet; some may never be ready. Unless you already plan on popping out a baby, adopting a child, or kidnapping one (please don’t) this is not the right option for you.
So how do we get around this? The answer: little siblings. Finally those obnoxious little attention hogs are good for something. Plus, you’ll definitely get brownie points from your parents if you offer to go around the neighborhood with little Billy so they can go get drunk at a Halloween party with their friends.
Don’t have a younger sibling? How about a little cousin or a neighbor’s kid? If you’re nice and know the parents well enough, you’ll look like a wonderful and thoughtful person in their eyes, rather than someone hoping to score free candy.
“But wait,” you may be thinking, “the parents don’t get their OWN candy when they take their kids trick-or-treating!” Here, my dear reader, is where the last step comes in. Luckily this will work whether or not you are able to obtain a stand-in child.
All you will need is a container for your candy, be it a pillowcase or a cute plastic pumpkin. You’ll knock on a door and when they open up, tell them you’re getting candy for your baby brother or sister, who was too sick to trick-or-treat tonight, and that your mother asked you to go around and collect candy for them.
You will immediately look like a saint doing a good deed for an ailing youngling. If they ask why you don’t go out and buy some candy instead, you can tell them that you can’t afford candy this year or that your car is
in the shop. Regardless, you’re going to get candy.
Now you can spend the night with a sugar-induced belly-ache and a sense of satisfaction instead of missing out on the fun! But please remember, take this advice at your own risk. If they know you have no younger sibling, you might spend the night in a jail cell.
