Dear Teddy,

I haven’t eaten anything but bricks for the past three months. Will this affect my digestion?

-Charmin

Charmin, You tell me. How’s your figure? Are you a brick house?

Hoping for the best,

Teddy

Dear Teddy,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and I really like him. The problem is that I accidentally figured out that he’s planning to propose. It is way too soon for this, but I’m scared he’ll be upset or break up with me if I say no. What can I do?

-Beth

Beth,

You need open and honest communication. If he respects you as a person and as a partner he will understand if you’re not ready for that kind of commitment yet.….

Hahahahahaha no, we don’t do things like that here. Sneak your way out of it by proposing to him first and saying “Ha! Just kidding! It’s way too early for that.”

You’re welcome,

Teddy

Dear Teddy,

This Thanksgiving, like every other Thanksgiving, I will be forced to spend almost 12 hours with my crazy, semi-racist hardcore Republican, voted-for-Trump type relatives. I have had to deal with them so many times, I’m scared this is gonna be the time that I snap. How can I prevent this incident from happening?

-Laura

Laura,

It’s simple: make them snap first. Go to all of their front lawns and draw an ’S’ in front of the signs so they “STUMP” Classic comedy, they’ll love it. Also show up wearing a rainbow shirt with leather pants. Don’t forget to pass out Joe Biden memes to every member of your family. Once they lose control just sit back and revel in the victory.

Godspeed my child,

Teddy

Dear Teddy,

I am working so hard on school work that I barley have time for my boyfriend who is 200 miles away. And while I love him more than anything in the world, I am tired of driving home every single weekend to see him. Is there anything besides texting, face time, or sending him letters I can do to make the distance seem less far?

-Anonymous

Buddy,

Send vials of blood, hair and fingernails so you can both keep a little part of each other forever.

In all seriousness spend time with each other in any way that you can while making sure you can live Social media, Text, call. Skype. Skype in ways that would make your Momma cry. Work, hang out with friends; take time for yourself. Live your life as you feel is right but make sure you don’t leave them behind. If it’s meant to be, it will work.

You got this,

Teddy

WORKPLACE PASSIVE AGGRESSION OF THE DAY

Dear Teddy,

It is WAY too hot in the SCAD Radio studio. There is a perfectly functional AC unit at the wall and The Leader of the Music Department (which shall not be named), says turning it on freezes the side of her face. While the Music Dept. Overlord is basking in cool air, the poor video dept. is forced to work in unfit conditions on the other side of the studio in the burning pits of hell. Not to mention the complete lack of brownies! We feel like it is completely unacceptable for the Music Overlord’s hair to flow gracefully in the wind while we slave away in front of a hot screen. Could there possibly be another solution besides a bloody, gruesome battle to the death?

Thanksies,

The Super Cool, Ultra Awesome, SCAD Radio Video Editing Department

Dear Teddy,

What do I do over winter break if I have no friends where I live? I’m new in town, and can’t find anyone who wants to hang out with me.

-Paddington Bear

Paddington,

Stalk the village people and spend your nights talking to your mirror. They’ll grow to love you and if they don’t, your reflection will always accept you. Remember: It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean.

Good Luck,

Teddy

Dear Teddy,

My foot is starting to smell really weird. I’m a soccer player, so I often have my feet trapped in sweaty socks and cleats for hours on end. Lately the foot powder I use hasn’t been masking the smell of my feet anymore and they’ve been itchy too. Should I see a doctor, or am I freaking out for no reason?

-Jason

Jason.
Freak out.