Dear Teddy,

I’m home for the holidays, but I don’t have friends and I have trouble getting along with my parents. How do I survive?


Hermit Hank


Outlive them. It’s a dog eat dog world, get creative.

Bon Appétit,


Dear Teddy,

Why do cigarettes have to cost so much money?


Smokey the Bear


It’s pretty simple really: The government not only wants you to slowly roast your insides, but it wants you to help them turn a profit in the process.

I mean…ha ha jokes and New Years. Stop smoking.


Dear Teddy,

Why do my professors look at me funny?


Fuzzy Wuzzy


Not all professors think it’s normal to gnaw on the desks. Oh, is that not what you were doing? Nevermind.

Desks don’t taste that bad,


Dear Teddy,

I haven’t had the best of luck with relationships this year. I’m a fairly shy guy and really want some sort of companionship with a significant other. There’s this girl that I like that has said she’s not looking for a relationship at the present moment but that I’m an attractive guy. I can’t help but feel it’s a soft let down.

How can I get a more truthful answer or is that the truth?


Shy and heartbroken

Shy Guy,

It sounds like you’re not looking for a more truthful answer, but an answer you’d like better. If women are whimsical beings, college girls are basically every mythical creature balled into one.

There’s no way to fully understand them so the best thing to do is not think about it too much. If she’s not looking for a relationship then she’s not looking for a relationship. She might one day, but until then she’s not: if you be yourself and she’s interested, things will work themselves out.

Get that booty,


Dear Teddy,

2016 was rough. How can I ensure a better year?


The Berenstain Bears


It’s almost impossible for 2017 to go any worse, but remember that what you put out into the world will be brought back to you.

Stay positive and hope for the best.

Love and honey,