Here is your horoscope for the week of April 16-April 22.  We may not be qualified, but what we lack in experience, we make up for in determination.  We hope the best for you.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will find yourself only living off of cucumbers this week.  Every emoji will be replaced with an eggplant.  You will love it.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Remember to go to class this week.  You may find yourself distracted by your own beauty.  Avoid mirrors and all reflective surfaces while you’re at it.  You’ll thank us later.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’re a disappointment to the STARS.  (But don’t let this get you down.  Life goes on, and STARS are forgiving.  Hang tight.  We still love you.)

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Whatever you do, for the love of God, stay away from ancestry.com.  Trust me on this one.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Don’t put yourself in the spotlight.  They’ll catch you if you do.  Their vision is based on movement.  They have ways… and big nets.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Use a textbook as a pillow this week.  Absorb the sweet, sweet knowledge through osmosis.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will travel by night.  You will become the hero Savannah deserves, not the one they need.  Watch out for bees.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Be careful with what you buy this week.  Target won’t be accepting your returns.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
More like “SAD-ittarius,” amiright?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
All work and no play makes Capricorn a dull sign.  All work and no play makes Capricorn a dull sign.  All work and no play makes Capricorn a dull sign.  All work and no play makes Capricorn a dull sign.  All work and no play makes Capricorn a dull sign.  All work and no play makes Capricorn a dull sign.  All work and no play makes Capricorn a dull sign.  All work and no play makes Capricorn a dull sign.  All work and no play makes Capricorn a dull sign.  All work and no play makes Capricorn a dull sign.  All work and no play makes Capricorn a dull sign.  All work and no play makes Capricorn a dull sign.  All work and no play makes Capricorn a dull sign.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You will win the lottery, but must split it with the rest of the Aquarius signs.  It will come out to be 2 cents.  It will be waiting on your welcome mat.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
“Imagine where you will be, and it will be so.  Hold the line!  Stay with me!  If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled.  For you are in Elysium, and you’re already dead!” — Gladiator (2000)