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Your Weekly Horoscope

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Aries  (March 21 – April 19)

Show the world your true colors: Give everyone you know a crayon of your favorite color.

 

 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Keep your laces out.

 

 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

See the definition of “referendum”.

 

 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

I believe it was the late and great Charlie Murphy who said, “Dude…The crab looks like a lady.”

 

 

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

How come Connect 4 isn’t called Advanced Tic-Tac-Toe?

 

 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Oregano is the spice of life.

 

 

Libra (September 23  – October 22)

I’m just as disappointed you didn’t make it onto “Chopped” this year.

 

 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Ill-favored consequences mean nothing to those of consistency.

 

 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Who cares what you got on your SATs. You filling in your name correctly was already one battle won.

 

 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Whoever told you to take lemons and make lemonade is evil. They’re spreading their Capitalistic ideas by using you as the subservient pleb to create a beverage for them and their elitist-bourgeoisie totalitarian class. Watch as they take the nectar of your labors and use their shiny silver spoons to put the sugary-sweet additive of their privilege to “enhance” your product. Your product that you alone created with your bare hands!

 

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Revolt, darn you!

 

 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

REVOLT!