Home Horoscope Won’t You Read Your Weekly Valentine?

Won’t You Read Your Weekly Valentine?



Romance is in the air just as much as lead is in the water. Here are your pre-Valentine’s Day horoscopes.

Aries  (March 21 – April 19)

Love Songs? Boring!

Ballads? Tame!

Want to really get your valentine’s attention? Screech.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

So your last Valentine’s Day wasn’t so great. You wake up, get ready for a good day, and what do you get? A white Sudan barreling at you at 60 mph in a 30, sending you into a prolonged coma. Well, this year, you wake up only to find a dozen red roses sitting at your bedside table with no note…where did they come from?


Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Love Stinks. LOVE STINKS!



Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

If your valentine asks you to drive to the convenience store at 2 am for mint chocolate chip ice cream this year…it’s true love.



Leo (July 23 – August 22)

When will the world learn? All you want for Valentine’s Day is some gosh-darn peace and quiet.



Virgo (August 23 – September 22)




Libra (September 23  – October 22)

You can’t pass off your Star Trek/Harry Potter crossover fanfiction as a love poem three years in a row.



Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

I’m sorry sir, I’m going to have to confiscate that heart-shaped box, I don’t care what appendage is inside of it.



Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

This year, you’ll find the Left-Twix to your Right-Twix.



Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

I saw you only steal one fry off of your valentine’s plate. Who says romance is dead?



Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Love is like feeding apple juice to an apple tree. Cannibalistic.



Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Roses are red.

Violets are red.

Everything is red.