Romance is in the air just as much as lead is in the water. Here are your pre-Valentine’s Day horoscopes.

Aries  (March 21 – April 19)

Love Songs? Boring!

Ballads? Tame!

Want to really get your valentine’s attention? Screech.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

So your last Valentine’s Day wasn’t so great. You wake up, get ready for a good day, and what do you get? A white Sudan barreling at you at 60 mph in a 30, sending you into a prolonged coma. Well, this year, you wake up only to find a dozen red roses sitting at your bedside table with no note…where did they come from?


Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Love Stinks. LOVE STINKS!



Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

If your valentine asks you to drive to the convenience store at 2 am for mint chocolate chip ice cream this year…it’s true love.



Leo (July 23 – August 22)

When will the world learn? All you want for Valentine’s Day is some gosh-darn peace and quiet.



Virgo (August 23 – September 22)




Libra (September 23  – October 22)

You can’t pass off your Star Trek/Harry Potter crossover fanfiction as a love poem three years in a row.



Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

I’m sorry sir, I’m going to have to confiscate that heart-shaped box, I don’t care what appendage is inside of it.



Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

This year, you’ll find the Left-Twix to your Right-Twix.



Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

I saw you only steal one fry off of your valentine’s plate. Who says romance is dead?



Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Love is like feeding apple juice to an apple tree. Cannibalistic.



Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Roses are red.

Violets are red.

Everything is red.