Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’re a diamond in the rough.  Like, really rough.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

That wasn’t chicken you ate.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Bigfoot is a lot closer than you think.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Mom?

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Don’t eat ice cream, just because I said so.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

A Capricorn is very stressed this week.  How about you make them some cookies or treat them to lunch?

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Heels were not a good idea.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Good boy.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

[YOUR HOROSCOPE IS NOT AVAILABLE IN THIS COUNTRY]

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Don’t trust Virgos.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

We told you to hurry.  Why don’t you listen?

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20)

Go listen to this great new band, Stare-281.  THey’re the hottest new band.  Get ahead of the curb.

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