Here’s your horoscope for the week of Sunday May 23 – Saturday May 29.  We can’t promise these will be accurate, but oh boy did we try.

 Aries (March 21 –April 19)
Take a risk.  Try some Yoplait.

 Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If someone offers you money, just nod nod, say “yes,” then walk away.

 Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Juicy Juice.  100% Juice.

 Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
When’s the last time you called your grandmother?  Call your grandmother.

 Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Don’t do that.  Yeah.  That.

 Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

This week you will learn that fake fruit may look convincing, but doesn’t taste nearly as good as you think.

 Libra (September 23 – November 21)

 Scorpio (November 22 – December 21)

Next time you think about buying a lifted truck, slap yourself in the face.  Actually, this applies to everyone.

 Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Hey now, you’re an all-star, get your game on, go play
Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show on, get paid
All that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars break the mold

 Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Cutting your own hair isn’t always the best idea, but sure, go for it.

 Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
*Elevator music*