Here’s your weekly horoscope for the week of April 30–May 6. We’re trying this again. Hopefully we’ll get it right soon.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Actions speak louder than words, so please stop karate kicking people.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Don’t trust the computers. They’re out to get you.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Sparkle and shine, you’re beautiful just like your birthday gem…in…i?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You might be tempted to take a walk and look at the beauty of nature, but don’t. Nature’s feeling self-conscious today.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
That wasn’t a dream. You should probably go apologize.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Everyone else is reaching their dreams. Take a break this week.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Set an alarm. Things are coming.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Sit. Stay. Behave.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Welcome back!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Open your third eye, but keep out of peepholes.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Follow your dreams. QUICK. They’re getting away.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Don’t worry, you’ll find your true love by wrapping yourself in a blanket burrito.
