Here’s your weekly horoscope for the week of April 30–May 6.  We’re trying this again.  Hopefully we’ll get it right soon.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Actions speak louder than words, so please stop karate kicking people.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Don’t trust the computers. They’re out to get you.



Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Sparkle and shine, you’re beautiful just like your birthday gem…in…i?


Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You might be tempted to take a walk and look at the beauty of nature, but don’t. Nature’s feeling self-conscious today.


Leo (July 23 – August 22)

That wasn’t a dream. You should probably go apologize.



Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Everyone else is reaching their dreams. Take a break this week.



Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Set an alarm. Things are coming.


Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Sit. Stay. Behave.


Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Welcome back!


Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Open your third eye, but keep out of peepholes.



Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Follow your dreams. QUICK. They’re getting away.



Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Don’t worry, you’ll find your true love by wrapping yourself in a blanket burrito.