Here’s your weekly horoscope for the week of May 14 (Happy Mother’s Day!) — May 20.  The stars just wouldn’t shut up this week.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Wait for the glowing man to step out into the street.




Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Gasping for air isn’t the correct way to ask for a water refill at the restaurant.



Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Beyonce’s children are dangerously close to becoming Gemini’s and I feel so bad for her. Wait, this is the Gemini horoscope slot? Oh, sorry guys.


Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You think of yourself as a good person, and I think you’re a good person, but the judge and jury do not.


Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You can look to the stars all you want, but it won’t do you any good when the lion apocalypse begins. Maybe try growing some claws.


Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Are you really smart or just pretentious? The stars are getting sick of your nonsense.


Libra (September 23 – October 22)



Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

When I ripped my pants….
I thought that I had everybody on my side,
But I went and blew it all sky high,
And, now, she won’t even spare a passing glance,
All just because I — ripped my pants.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

This week is about discovery. Atlantis won’t find itself.


Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

This week will be tough. You’ll have to decide between your dream of becoming a doctor and your love of apples.


Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Stop looking up so many conspiracy theories or we’ll start making one up about you.


Pisces (February 19 – March 20)