The holidays draw nearer, get yourself ready with this week’s horoscope

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Oh, I hate myself

Oh, I hate myself

Oh, I hate myself

Oh, I hate myself

Oh, I hate myself

Oh, I hate myself

 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Where are my parents?

 

 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Is it a horoscope if we don’t know what we’re doing?

 

 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Don’t wear socks, they’ll eat your feet.

 

 

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Is that dog? Is this real? Is this a mirage?

 

 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Seek the unknown at this time of year. Forget about the unknown before the new year.

 

 

Libra (September 23  – October 22)

Is that an Angel Baby?
No! That’s his dance moves!
Yes!
Watch my lady honey grooves!
Feed me lots of Jamba Juice!
Call me lady tiger, but I never eat my young
No, no, no
My legs in those pants, a dream!
When I would move, I’d scream:

Watch out for my body rolls!
Watch out for my body rolls!
High kicks!
High kicks!
This is how we do it!
Yes!

 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

If you speak a second language, confuse people, or else what’s the point?

 

 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

She’s a ladykiller! No, really. Look out.

 

 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Try caroling this year, but sing exclusively Fall Out Boy songs that came out when you were in middle school.

 

 

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The best present is one that’s really thought out. Sit and think for hours on just what to get your mom.

 

 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

The winter stars will keep all your secrets. Scream your secrets to them in the middle of the night. Your neighbor, Derek, however, will not keep your secrets.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Trending