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Your Weekly Horoscope


How many blondes does it take to check a horoscope?

Aries  (March 21 – April 19)




Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You may or may not die within 3 days.



Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You’re a diamond in the rough, or at least cubic zirconium.



Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Like, comment, and subscribe to your own youtube channel, it needs some love.



Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Unfollow Cancer’s Youtube channel, the fame is CHANGING them, man.



Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Remember Alex from Target? Check Twitter, you’re next.



Libra (September 23  – October 22)

Look up in the sky. That’s all. Just look up and tell us what you see.



Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

What you once thought was beautiful will now repulse you.



Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Why aren’t you winning in life? Maybe you’re on the wrong team.



Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Don’t you miss the way that everything was nice and sweet and happy? Yeah, no, me neither man.



Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The cyber goths would be happy to take you in if nothing else.



Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

“I’m so happy I have you as my best friend, and I love Lisa so much”