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Your Weekly Horoscope


Why abandon your life of luxury to escape into the wilderness when you run to your computer and read this week’s horoscope?

Aries  (March 21 – April 19)

Be original. Get a nose piercing on your navel.



Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Cute heels, a short skirt, and a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong…neck.



Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

I think I broke the fingers on my left hand. All six of them.



Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Make like the bourgeois and fleur-de-LEAVE.



Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Don’t shoot for the stars. If you miss, you’re butt will flow around in space getting made fun of by aliens passing you by in their spaceships.



Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Go see Black Panther.



Libra (September 23  – October 22)

Please…no more halter tops.



Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’re either a Toy Story 2 or an A Bug’s Life person.



Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Let me be the first to congratulate you on your success as a model for centipede footwear.



Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

In the name of the Eartha, the Aretha, and the Carrie Fisher.



Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

I must weep for stars, as we are kindred of that which was heavenly created. We were brought forth from the same celestial clay, and molded to be that which we are. I may not feel kindred towards the rocks or streams that are from the same godly hands that birthed my existence, but for stars, they are as far and dear to me as any parted sibling or parent. I am promised the stars everyday, just as much and even more so than I am promised the company of those dearest to me.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)


Preparation:10 m

Cook for: 30 m

  1. In a medium skillet over medium heat, brown the ground beef, onion, and green pepper; drain off liquids.
  2. Stir in the garlic powder, mustard, ketchup, and brown sugar; mix thoroughly. Reduce heat, and simmer for 30 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.