Time keeps on slipping into time. Another weekly horoscope, my fellow dude.

Aries  (March 21 – April 19)

Get crunked or get wrecked.

 

 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Two words.

 

 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You’re like, Grade A Caribou Coffee in a Starbucks world. Good for diversity, but still kinda trash.

 

 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Can you bring back the one-pearl earring bearded gentleman look? It needs to make a comeback. If anyone can do it, it’s you.

 

 

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Birds flying low, you know how it goes.

 

 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

NEEEEEEERRRRRRDDDD!

 

 

Libra (September 23  – October 22)

Pop Tarts are sweet ravioli; change my mind.

 

 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’re getting up there in your American folk-hero status, just like Chuck Tingle and Mike Ilitch.

 

 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Take in some of the old cultures every now and again. Watch a one minute clip of an opera of your choice; it won’t kill you.

 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your wardrobe is lacking paillettes.

 

 

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Eat your fruit. Scurvy’s a real thing.

 

 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Support your local fish-hookers.