Time keeps on slipping into time. Another weekly horoscope, my fellow dude.

Aries  (March 21 – April 19)

Get crunked or get wrecked.



Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Two words.



Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You’re like, Grade A Caribou Coffee in a Starbucks world. Good for diversity, but still kinda trash.



Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Can you bring back the one-pearl earring bearded gentleman look? It needs to make a comeback. If anyone can do it, it’s you.



Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Birds flying low, you know how it goes.



Virgo (August 23 – September 22)




Libra (September 23  – October 22)

Pop Tarts are sweet ravioli; change my mind.



Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’re getting up there in your American folk-hero status, just like Chuck Tingle and Mike Ilitch.



Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Take in some of the old cultures every now and again. Watch a one minute clip of an opera of your choice; it won’t kill you.


Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your wardrobe is lacking paillettes.



Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Eat your fruit. Scurvy’s a real thing.



Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Support your local fish-hookers.