With trick-or-treaters soon making their rounds, here is a list of some of the most popular things found in a Halloween basket that are actually the worst things in the entire world, and then one thing that is the God-send we all need:
Laffy Taffy I question the reality of any person who claims Laffy Taffy to be any sort of decent candy. Laffy Taffy was solely invented to keep kids quiet for a few minutes. You can’t casually eat Laffy Taffy. You have to sit down and dedicate time to chewing the flavorless, sticky, hard lump of whatever so that it becomes slightly more easy to swallow than in its original form.
Smarties People actually get excited to eat Smarties? I thought we all just “pretended” to snort them in the second grade. No, mom, that’s not Smarties powder on my nose, what?
Hershey Minis For the fact that all four types of Hershey Minis are made by the same company with the same chocolate baffles me because all four taste wildly different. The only decent one is a Mr. Goodbar, but even with those I’m terrified of choking on the small, crushed peanuts within.
3 Musketeers If I wanted my teeth to be sticky feeling and covered in chocolate for a while, I would totally grab a 3 Musketeers.
Milky Way Honestly, a Milky Way is just a 3 Musketeers with caramel added.
Snickers You’re just sh*tting with me now. You just added peanuts to a Milky Way.
Dubble Bubble Honestly, just give me regular gum for Halloween. It would make me hate you a whole lot less. Dubble Bubble is the most useless gum ever made. It can’t freshen your breath and will probably leave a weird after taste. It’s only good use it blowing bubbles, and no one ever showed me how.
Dum Dums It’s all fun and games until you realize you got the Buttered Popcorn flavored one.
Tootsie Rolls I have no clue what a Tootsie Roll is even supposed to be. It’s like some guy thought, “Hey, you know what would be great? Chocolate flavored Laffy Taffy.” and then quit halfway through flavor testing and thought “good enough”. We ended up with Tootsie Pops as a distraction from how terrible Tootsie Rolls actually taste.
Twizzlers Hard and chewy sticks of no flavor. And the only ones that
come in small packaging are the peel apart, cherry flavored Twizzlers, and those are the work of Satan.
Twix Maybe the debate of Left Twix vs. Right Twix is about which one is the worst one, not the best one.
Kit Kat Kit Kats simply melt in your hand way too fast for you to enjoy eating it. Apparently you’re also supposed to eat them with your coffee, but who has ever done that? I would like to ask the Kit Kat creators a few questions.
Starbursts Odds are that you will end up with two of the same flavor, and it will be your least favorite flavor.
Whoppers Whoppers, as a concept, seem like a good idea. This little chocolate covered ball that kind of melts in your mouth once bitten. The only problem is that the entire experience absolutely sucks. The chocolate coating used doesn’t even taste like chocolate. Really, it doesn’t taste like anything. Then the malt melts into a weird, gritty paste in your mouth that sticks to your teeth. Afterwards, you’re left with a strange taste in your mouth. And to top it off, the Halloween packets only come with three little balls, not enough to satisfy any sort of sugar craving.
Nerds Nerds are clearly a choking hazard to all children.
Skittles Skittles were all fine and dandy until a little while back when they decided to replace the beloved lime green flavor with the atrocious green apple flavor. It now throws of the once harmonious balance of flavor combinations. Curse you, green apple…curse you.
M&M’s These are the most boring candy ever. Just little drops of chocolate with the most basic colors ever and then brown thrown in there for whatever reason. Then, through capitalism and advertising, they decide to give these colors personalities to make them more appealing to the general public? Way to stoop low, M&M’s.
Reese’s Cups Reese’s Cups have to be the unhealthiest candy in the world. Not only is the peanut butter filled with sugar and grossness, but it’s covered in chocolate. The distribution of the peanut butter and chocolate is always uneven. There is always either way too much chocolate or way too much peanut butter in each bite. They need to rethink the structure of the Reese’s cup if they want to be successful and long running.
Butterfingers The only difference between a Butterfinger and a Reese’s Cup is the fact that the peanut butter in a Butterfinger is flaky and dry, and that is just strange. Biting into it, it’s very salty and doesn’t mesh
well with the sweetness of the chocolate. The flaky peanut butter sticks too much to your teeth and then you’re sad with peanut butter in your teeth.
Blow Pops It’s in the name.
Almond Joy If I liked coconut, this might be okay. But I don’t like coconut.
Mounds Mounds are worse than Almond Joys because they took out the only good part (the almonds) and left you with the crap.
THE ONE TRUE CANDY Candy Corn is the only genuine, wholesome candy this time of the year. It is the most festival making it acceptable to be eaten from the beginning of fall to Thanksgiving. There are also infinite ways to eat Candy Corn: biting off individual colors, eating all at once or stacking them until they make an actual corn cob. They’re sweet and light and you can eat a few or a million of them. They are truly the best candy and the only candy I will be accepting this Halloween.
