Recovering from Black Friday can be terrible; here’s this week’s horoscope to help you feel better.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Mariah Carey really does know what she’s talking about. Take what she says this year to heart.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Who am I? How did I get here?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Experiment: Don’t shave for a week. See how it feels. You’d be surprised.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
RUN.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Wear flip flops! Tis the season!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Why are you hitting them?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Make up a code, send warnings. They’re coming.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Lock the doors, turn off the lights, have some me time. You deserve it.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
WHO ARE YOU
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
I don’t care if it doesn’t matter, you don’t open chip bags upside down.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Capitalism is draining your life, eradicate the bourgeoisie.
